It is like I forgot this blog existed. I said I’d be back, I told people– I have been meaning to blog. But I was kind of avoiding it. Since I have been gone from this page, so many things have changed. It feels like so many things have happened that I can barely begin to outline them.
-I started a new *full-time* job
-The band I was in disbanded
-We bought a house
That doesn’t seem like that much– now that I write it…. Hm.
The winter was long, it was dreary it was awe inducing. I tried my hardest not to complain and I think I made it fairly far in before I just couldn’t take it anymore. Now it’s May and spring has arrived and I feel like a new person. Oddly, this is the process that happens every year in the same way. I barely took my camera out the whole winter. I only took a few photos around Christmas to document the season. I packed boxes and stacked them all around my house and threw out tons of things that were unnecessary. Even though I spent all the time I thought I had doing so, I still threw out even more on the day of the move. Every last inch of the 27 foot truck was full, and I had to shove things in the back of my car and hold it while I shut the door.
In the meantime, I trained and trained at work and finally made it to the point where I feel like I know something and have opinions worth listening to (about 1/2 the time).
In the meantime, my good friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
In the meantime, my little girl grew up to be basically an adult. She has great ideas and loves to sing and dance and says nice things like “you a good mom, mom” and melts my heart.
In the meantime, my husband got older.
In the meantime, I gained 4 lbs eating cookies I shouldn’t eat at approximately 2 pm a few days a week.
In the meantime, my sister had a baby, my friend had a baby and the world just kept going on.
We drive past our old rented duplex and feel sad. Not because we are really sad but I think because we had fun there and made friends there and it was our new life before our new new life. I think about the days I spent with P at home for 2 years and compare them to my days now. Both of them are sweet in different ways.
There are days when I feel I have lived a thousand lives and some when I feel I will never have enough time. And moments I want to pause and hours I want to speed up. There are days when I feel like I know my role as a mother and feel secure in what I give to P and days when I take her out for a mini photo shoot at sunset and she cries and begs me to hold her and I wonder what is wrong. We retreat, we go home- I feel frustrated because she got dressed up and I wanted her to twirl and be her happy little shining self, with the warm shiny sun. Instead, I find she has a fever. I feel deflated, I feel like an awful parent for trying to make her pose, for dragging her out and for not knowing what was wrong.
― A.A. Milne