Quotes, Poetry, Shining the Light.

I saw a poem that that made me cry. I’m a natural quote lover and poem lover. I like intricate little words and reading between lines and I do love a one-liner that seems profound. They don’t usually make me cry. Nevermind the fact that I was 2 vodka -sodas in when I read it. I re-read it in the morning to make sure it still held me.

Late Fragment- Raymond Carver

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

I did a little reading on Raymond Carver. He’s an interesting fellow and this is inscribed on his gravestone.

I’ve been really busy lately. It’s been a fun kind of busy, where you run from place to place and see old friends and socialize and try to sit and color with your kid while paying complete attention because you have been so consumed with going and doing that you feel like you have neglected to see her cute little face. That kind of busy.

I love to be busy and I always have.

My husband was detailing a clip that apparently has been making the rounds of social media where Louis C.K. (a comedian) talks about why he won’t get his kids cellphones. The message I took might not be the same as what you take, but mine was strong.

Sometimes when I make myself so busy, I have a moment right before I go to sleep where I am obviously not busy. Where I put the phone down on the dresser and decide I won’t check it even if it lights up. Where I stop running through my calendar in my head and what I’ll be doing tomorrow and next week and next week. Louis C.K. mentioned feeling alone or feeling sad. I have definitely felt that too in the moment where I have nothing to ‘do’. Sometimes I think busying myself saves me that feeling. Sometimes busying myself prevents that feeling, because I am living to my full potential & doing all the things I want to do. Other times I think it allows me to overlook the sad, forget what things are going on in life that make me sad and lonely and upset because I’m too busy minded.

How this little poem ties in I am not sure but while I have been completely busy and mentally consumed in the past few weeks, this has come back into mind over and over again.

“And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.”

It is obviously all I want as well.

Forgetting

Remembering and keeping track of all the things I want to do is extremely difficult. I start my car after loading my groceries, putting P in the car seat and I realize I have forgotten the very thing I went to the store for.

I have a very active calendar in part, for this reason. I get pop up notifications, reminders and frequently ‘check my calendar’ before agreeing to an event. What I apparently need is a very active task list as well as a very active grocery list. I’m not sure when I’ll get around to that. You see, I’d have to put it on my list.

In the future, I won’t be as forgetful. I will be more organized, I tell myself. I will squeeze every goal into the day. Forgetting is annoying and it isn’t the kind of thing you can will yourself out of. It isn’t the kind of thing you can reward yourself for not doing (at least not in the traditional way). Forgetting sucks.

Forgetting can be very frightening as well. It can really show you just how invincible we are. We know less than we don’t know about memory and about how we lose it and where it goes. I find forgetting very sad. I want to always remember. I hope that my memories follow me into eternity. Yes, even the not as good memories. I want to keep them all, I’m greedy like that.